Hans Crippleton: Talk to the Hans Review

hans

Without a shadow of a doubt this has to be the worst movie we have ever seen.  It was so bad that we couldn’t help but to watch it the whole way through.  A family of genetically defected rednecks (through inbreeding) called the Crippletons who live on land that gets invaded by zombies every October due to a curse does an interview that spans the length of the movie on a fictional show called Horror Haunt.  The title character Hans is a haunted attraction expert who garners publicity because of his odd appearance including his one very small and deformed hand.  In fact, all the members of the family have some type of deformity with the low-tech makeup and prosthetics making them look like Muppets.  There’s also a doctor (we couldn’t tell if he was part of the family or a friend) who has a manufactured eye that takes photographs who sews people back together all anatomically wrong.  Momma Crippleton who has trouble getting up from the couch because of her obesity is given a gift to help her so she doesn’t have to get up as much which is basically a rotted head with a leg attached.

Trouble ensues when Hans is bitten by one of the zombies and is is told he can no longer tour the country because of the danger of the spreading the infections.  He is the moneymaker in the family, with the families moonshine business not viable enough to pay the bills.  It’s up to Hans and his family to solve the curse so that they can get things back to normal (or abnormal).

There were moments of comedy in the film.  I actually found myself laughing out loud a couple of times even though I was watching the movie alone.  The special effects are horrible with the zombies looking like characters from a high school haunted house.   There’s even a scene where the proverbial group of adventure seekers who know about the cursed farm go looking for a thrill and run into the zombies.  Rather than being scared, one of the girls comments, “My grammar school could put on a better haunt than this”.  Hans Crippleton: Talk to the Hans makes Poultrygeist look like a Steven Spielberg film.  The movie actually got a 6.8 out of 10 on IMDB which actually isn’t that bad for the kind of movie.  There’s some text that pops up on the screen occasionally as well as a few cartoon scenes of the zombies interspersed between the live action which make the movie progress a little better than it otherwise would.  If you’re looking for a quality movie or something scary we wouldn’t be able to recommend this film, but if you’re looking for something campy or a pseudo horror film with some elements of comedy you might want to check it out.

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